lenten prayers.

Let us offer our prayers to God, the source of life, bringing us closer to the dawn and hope of new life:

Lead us,
Listen to our hearts,
Walk beside our hungry souls
As we carry our darkness to the dawn.

Holy One,
You find us in our moments of weakness or anger or ‘not enough-ness,’
You search for the world’s pain and suffering and injustice,
And you meet us there.
You hold the throbbing of this sacred Earth’s heartbreak,
You hold our blessed world’s struggles,
You hold our own physical, emotional, and spiritual aches and pains.
Fill our bellies and souls,
Our hands and our hearts,
With hope and light and wholeness.
Be with us as we wait. Lead us to Your light.

Lead us,
Listen to our hearts,
Walk beside our hungry souls
As we carry our darkness to the dawn.

God of Comfort,
Though the journey is long, and the road is dusty, and our feet are tired, we do not walk alone.
We bear the weights of unaffordable housing, and food insecurity, and unlivable wages,
But we do so in the arms of our neighbors, our community, and You.
We bear the hard work of building a society, planet, and world in Your name,
But we do so with our neighbors, our community, and You.
Lead us through the dust,
Carry us through the night,
And stay with us as we walk this journey toward love.
Be with us as we wait. Lead us to Your light.

Lead us,
Listen to our hearts,
Walk beside our hungry souls
As we carry our darkness to the dawn.

Divine Light,
Though there may be darkness,
Remind us that we are not alone.
We are never alone in the darkness of the world, our cities, or our lives.
Stay with us as we experience isolation, loneliness, and hunger.
Stay with us as we hunger for warmth, connection, and community.
Stay with us as we hunger for justice, peace, and your Kingdom,
Here and now, in our midst.
Be with us as we wait. Lead us to Your light.

Lead us,
Listen to our hearts,
Walk beside our hungry souls
As we carry our darkness to the dawn.

Amen.

*These prayers were written for Salt & Light Lutheran Church's Lenten liturgy this year.

solo friday nights.

I’m sitting at my favorite tea shop, alone, on a Friday night. This is a regular occurrence. Not the tea shop part, but the alone part. Sometimes it’s a coffee shop, sometimes it’s my bedroom (more specifically, my bed), but I’ve been flying solo on Fridays recently. The quiet of a Friday night, even though I’m usually only awake for five hours post-work and pre-sleep, seems to balance out the loud 40+ hours of Monday morning through Friday afternoon. 

Tonight’s been a wild one so far: I combined my leftover dinner from Wednesday and my leftover salad from today’s lunch to make a pseudo-dinner at 4:45 pm. I thought about Instagramming, but didn’t know how to write about my happiness for the following things in one eloquent caption: children’s spelling bees, Jess returning to the Gilmore Girls revival, and finally learning to drink my coffee black. I laid in bed and read for an hour or so before I thought, “Let’s take this party elsewhere."

So I threw on a sweater/scarf/red lipstick/glasses/flip-flops combination (which is, by far, the perfect Friday night outfit) and walked to my neighborhood’s tea shop. I ordered herbal tea, found a spot in the corner, sent some work emails, and wrote some prayers for my church for our Lenten liturgy. I know, I know, it’s been wild! The barista has only asked me to quiet down three times so far.

But, as I cracked open my laptop and journal, I got distracted. Because there’s a man and a woman sitting across from me, and I’m pretty sure they’re on their first date.

They’re doing all the first date-y things, the very things I do when I go on first dates. They’re sitting across from each other, not side-by-side. They’re both sitting up straight, straighter than I do even on my best, most posture-aware days. They’re leaning in ever-so-slightly, alternating between making intense and almost-zero eye contact. Their heads nod and their laughter seems to be free-flowing.

I can’t be 100% sure of their status, of course. They were here before I arrived, so I didn’t get to see if one arrived before the other and waited by the door, eyes glued to his or her phone, simultaneously hoping that the other would walk through the door any minute or call to cancel. And I have headphones in, so I haven’t heard murmurings of “…our first date…” or “…so what do you do for a living?...” in their conversation. But, based on my observations from seven feet away, this is a first date.

Fast forward an hour or so, and they just hugged goodbye and walked out together, but since I’m facing the inside of the tea shop and not the window, I’ll never know if they went to the same car, or parted ways at the door after an awkward side-hug, or made out in a dark alleyway before heading home together. Maybe, from their table and their eyes, their date was a dead-end and they won’t see each other after tonight. Maybe it was a one-and-done kind of thing, and even though they laughed and smiled and had a nice-enough time, there wasn’t a spark. Nothing to keep them there any longer than what’s polite for a first date, and certainly nothing to – at least immediately – text their friends about.

But maybe – just maybe – their date will lead to another, and another, and they’ll eventually realize that they want to keep doing these dates for the rest of their lives. Maybe they’ll want to have a little party, and invite all their family and friends, to mark the importance of choosing to do these dates together, for the rest of their lives. They’ll dance and cry and laugh in a courthouse or in a church or in a barn, and they’ll recall that time they sat in Townshend’s Tea for two hours, smiling and laughing, and try to remember what they talked about, or what kind of tea they shared, and what made them say yes to Date #2.

And – you have to know where I’m going with this – they’ll live happily ever after.

//

I started writing this and wanted to turn it into something about how you never know when you’ll be in the background of people’s big moments – witnessing a couple’s first date, sitting next to someone on the bus who just got news that she’s an aunt, smiling at someone at the grocery store whose kid just got a full-ride to college. I wanted to write something about how those moments are happening all the time and even though we might not know it, we’re a part of them and that’s so wild and beautiful and full-circle. That would have fit so well for a post on this lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy holiday.

But the reason I’m actually writing about this is less about their couple-ness, their maybe-first date, their made-up love story, and more about my single-ness. I wanted to write about this because of where this all started: a solo Friday night. I wanted to write about this because of where it will be on Sunday: a solo Valentine’s Day.

This will be my fourth Valentine’s Day where I haven’t had a special someone, in the way society defines that phrase. (Which, by the way, is bullshit. I can think of at least 23 special someones in my life.) I’ve had a few go-arounds at being single on this day, so it doesn’t catch me off-guard or feel that lonely anymore. This year, I’ll spend most of my day channeling Tom and Donna from Parks & Recreation and treating myself to writing, dinner, and a massage. I’ve learned how to respond to the “Are you seeing anyone?” or the “So, anyone special in your life these days?” questions. And I’ve learned how to exist – both on Valentine’s Days and on Friday nights – in solitude. Slowly and patiently and sometimes painstakingly, I’ve learned to enjoy it. Sometimes.

I don’t believe anyone is qualified to make blanket statements about how they always love being single – or, conversely, always love being in a relationship. We’re human. We have emotions and shifting needs. Somedays I can think of nothing better than to lay in my bed, by myself, as I watch Jim and Pam fall in love on The Office. The next day, the same scenario makes me want to curl into a ball, realizing that I’m far, far away from a Jim and Pam-esque love story of my own. There are days when being single just sucks, just as there are days when being in a relationship just sucks. That is life: we flip-flop from being 100% happy and 100% discontent with where we’re at. Sometimes that flip-flop happens within days or minutes or at the same time.

So seeing those two on such a fun date — sitting across from one another, laughing in that nervous “Gosh, I think you’re cute!” or “Please don’t think my laugh is weird!” way — reminded me of that. I was happy for their happiness, as much as I can be happy for total strangers. But I was also a little sad. And a little frustrated in the general direction of the universe and its response to my brief attempts at Bumble and Tinder. (So many men holding fish! So many selfies at gyms! And umm, no, I don’t want to enter into a “mutually beneficial agreement” with you. Ew.) It made me question my wild, solo Friday night routine and wish that instead, I was sitting across from a someone, trying not to get the hiccups as I giggle or hoping that I don’t have anything in my teeth when I smile across the table.

This day of the year, and the days leading up to it, and the aftermath of it, can be so. damn. hard. for people who feel alone and isolated. Maybe you just moved across the country and are still figuring out how to cope with that solitude. Maybe you just moved out of your parents’ house. Maybe you just ended a relationship, romantic or otherwise, and aren’t even sure what your new solitude looks like yet; it’s too soon and too hard to go there. Or maybe you’re just single, without someone to buy you flowers or take you out to dinner. Or maybe you’re reading this at a coffee shop or a restaurant or a tea shop, and there are couples, romantic or otherwise, all around you. And for some reason, having a solo Friday night doesn’t seem as appealing anymore.

And that’s okay. You are allowed to feel joy. You’re allowed to feel like a bad-ass, independent human one day, and to feel sadness and a little lonely the next. We’re human. We have emotions and shifting needs. The same scenarios evoke different emotions on different days, and both are valid and both are your truth. But know this – and please remember this. It’s the thesis of this rambling outpouring of words:

You are not alone on your solo Valentine’s Day.
You are not alone on your solo Friday nights.
You are not alone on any other nights of the week.

If you’re in a coffee shop, look around; there are other humans sitting alone, aren’t there? If you’re at home, remember that you’re one of seven billion humans on this planet; there have to be at least one billion of those people sitting alone too, right? Maybe you’re physically alone, or your relationship status is “single” on social media, or you’re the last of your pals or coworkers to be in a relationship. Our lives are filled with moments of solitude – of solo holidays, of solo nights, of solo anything – but, in a way, all of us who are doing the whole solo thing are doing it together.

Maybe, this Valentine’s Day, I’ll come back to this tea shop, and there will be another couple across from me, sharing a pot of vanilla rooibos or a bubble tea. I’ll be alone, and I don’t know what my reaction to them will be. Maybe I’ll re-download Bumble or maybe I’ll text my mom or maybe I’ll just keep writing. But as I press “Publish” on these words, I’ll know that they’re zooming into the universe on a day when maybe – just maybe – we all need a reminder that we’re not all that alone after all.

our father & our earth.

Genesis 2: 4-7

“In the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens,
when no plant of the field was yet in the earth
and no herb of the field had yet sprung up—
for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth,
and there was no one to till the ground;
but a stream would rise from the earth,
and water the whole face of the ground—
then the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground,
and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life;
and the man became a living being.”

Matthew 6: 9-13
“Pray then in this way:
Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us to the time of trial,

but rescue us from the evil one.”

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock (or from any form of news, social media, or conversation with other folks) this week: the Pope is in town.

Or, rather, Pope Francis has spent the past week visiting the United States. His visit has been widely publicized and talked about. People are stirring and moving, have been stirred and moved, and will continue to stir and to be moved over Pope Francis’ words and calls to action for us. About economics and politics and war and — especially and — the environment. About these things and more, that affect — so deeply — our communities, our homes, and our land. These things that affect our earth and our relationship to it.

In his address to Congress, Pope Francis said:

“We need a conversation which includes everyone, since the environmental challenge we are undergoing, and its human roots, concern and affect us all.”

And I couldn’t help but think of the Pope’s words — many more than just these — that are connected to what’s been stirring in our own community. We are now in the midst of our Green Season: sharing our housing and land stories, reading the Pope’s encyclical on care for our common home before worship, immersing ourselves in this new liturgical season. We are diving into conversation about things that affect — so deeply — our communities, our homes, our land. Our earth. And our relationship to our earth.

And we all have one. A relationship to our earth. Pastor Melissa has been saying every Sunday — “If you live in Portland, you have a housing story.” And, in some ways, we can expand that statement to fully capture Pope Francis’ message about the environment: 

“If you live here — on this land, on this earth, on this planet — you have a land story. And a land story is an earth story. And an earth story is, at its core, an environment story. And that affects us all.”

So what are these stories? When I first read Pope Francis’ words, I thought of my own land story, which is, by default, my family’s land story. And with that land story is a caretaking story.

My grandparents have lived on the same land since my mother was a small child, settling next to my great-grandparents’ home, the same place where my grandmother grew up. Each side of their home is surrounded by fields for miles: fields of corn, wheat, and soybeans. My great-grandparents farmed that land, and my mom would spend her summers throughout high school on the tractor, prepping the dirt and the earth for new life, or next to my grandfather on the combine, reaping and threshing and winnowing the crops. 

I have memories of playing in grain bins, riding in my grandfather’s pick-up truck to visit the fields, waving at the neighbors — other farmers — as they kicked up gravel on their drives to the fields. While my grandparents don’t farm anymore, they are still deeply connected to their land. To the West of their house, my grandmother has the biggest and most bountiful flower garden you have ever seen. To the East, my grandfather spends hours each summer in the vegetable garden. He grows and cares — so carefully cares — for corn and squash and potatoes and a whole lot more.

My family has roots in this land — messy, muddy, dirt-under-the-fingernails, hundred-plus-year-old roots. They care for this land like they have cared for me, for each other, for all of our loved ones: with tenderness, persistence, and patience. 

And this care for the land — this tenderness, persistence, and patience — is what God calls us into. God accompanies us in our care for our earth. In our care for our land, our homes, and our communities.

When Jesus begins speaking in today’s Gospel — our Father in heaven — the use of the word “Father” isn’t necessarily intended to be exclusive language, only geared toward the “traditional father figure” of the house, leaving out anyone who wasn’t male. Although, trust me, when I saw today’s Gospel text, I have to admit, I got a little internally feisty. I — raised by a single mother — was supposed to focus exclusively on this phrase that seemed so rooted in historical patriarchy?

“Our Father in heaven.” 
“Our Father, who art in heaven.” 
Abba God in heaven.”

But, after spending some time with other biblical scholars, particularly John Dominic Crossen and his book The Greatest Prayer, I put some of that feistiness aside and learned more about how “Father” is actually a way to talk about God as a caretaker. According to Crossen, “Father” often referred not only to “Father and Mother,” but can be read as even more inclusive: the “householder,” or the one who cares for an entire home and entire family. So, maybe it's like my grandfather, who has been a caretaker for his land and his extended family. Or maybe it’s like my mother, who has been the head of my house, playing both Father and Mother. “Our Father” becomes the one who cares for and loves a home and its people: with tenderness, persistence, and patience.

That made my feminist-self feel a little bit better. Because praying “Our Father in heaven,” then, can be seen as a way to pray to God who is our caretaker; to pray to God who is the “head of house” for our entire world. Who cares for it, and for us, and our land: with tenderness, persistence, and patience.

And who calls us to do the same.

We are invited to be caretakers — for our own, immediate households, yes: for those who share our beds and dinner tables and four-walled structures. But we are also invited into an expansive definition of who is in our care, who is our neighbor, who is our family, who — and what — God calls us to care for. This care includes our surroundings: the plant and animal and insect life that breathes all around us, the food that nourishes us, and the land and Earth that provides for all of that.

God invites us to care for who and what God has created and birthed from this universe: our earth, our land, our people. God formed us, shaped us, breathed life into us for this purpose. We read in Genesis:

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”

The same reading makes note that there was no one to till the ground before this. God breathed life into that living being — and continues to breathe life into us — to be the caretakers and householders. To love and care for this land as God does. 

But we cannot care for our earth in isolation. Jesus does not invite us to pray The Lord’s Prayer each day:

My Father in heaven.” 
My Father, who art in heaven.” 
My Abba God in heaven.”

Even when we pray this prayer in solitude, standing in our darkened kitchens or lying in our warm beds or walking on the earth outside — when we pray for climate justice and housing justice and distributive justice for all on this earth — we are reminded that we are not called to act in solitude. Jesus calls us into our

Our Father in heaven.” 
Our Father, who art in heaven.” 
Abba God in heaven.”

Jesus calls us out of isolation and into community, called to come together to care for our earth: its shrubs and plants, ground and dust, all of its living beings. Each other.

Pope Francis said:

“We need a conversation which includes everyone, since the environmental challenge we are undergoing, and its human roots, concern and affect us all.”

We know this, though. We have known this. Our Leaven Community is rooted in this: opening up conversations and coming together to care for each other and our shared land. God empowers us to be caretakers and householders — filled with tenderness, persistence, and patience — together.

And so, together, we pray and continue these land conversations this season — which includes everyone, since everyone has a land, an earth, and an environment story. We pray, continue the conversation, and act — for justice for all and for our earth.

these leaves.

I've seen a lot of things on the news and in my newsfeed that have made me cringe or cry or both in the last week. Humans are messy (good grief, we're the messiest -- we need some Clorox wipes or a bath or something) and so are the things we do or say or post, and the things that we choose not to do or say or post. Sometimes it feels like no one cares about or loves or fights for each other anymore. Sometimes the world is depressing and you're certain that the light at the end of the tunnel is actually, definitely a big-ass train coming straight for all of us. That we're doomed.

So, with this in mind, posting a picture of my feet on the fall leaves, with my big-ass satchel and denim dress didn't seem right. (You've seen hipster Barbie's Instagram account, right? I fear she will use this photo as inspiration for her next post.) It made me feel out of touch with the realities and struggles of the world, too inwardly-turned in the midst of so much turmoil on this Earth. There are much more important things in the world to post about and talk about and raise our voices about than my feet and fall's arrival. I can think of ten off the top of my head right now. I'm sure I could think of another twenty if I really tried.

However. Here it is. My feet, my big-ass satchel, the fall leaves. Instagram Post #617. This post will be one of hundreds that will plaster the social network as the leaves begin to change colors, boots are pulled out of closets, and the Pumpkin Spice Latte makes it's return (which, as a new coffee drinker, I'm stoked to try for the first time). It will show up under #fallfeet and #fallishere and maybe be liked by people from around the world who are scrolling through the hashtags, spending their mental energy finding other people who have taken photos of their feet, their big-ass satchels, and the fall leaves. We live in a messy world, a world where we can mindlessly scroll on Instagram for hours and forget about those ten things that are much more important than the mindless scroll. We live in a messy world, where we can't even open the app for 48 hours because it seems so stupid compared to what's happening outside of the screen. 

So I'm finding middle ground, or trying to, to bridge those two messy realities. This picture is a #feetstagram, yes, but it's also a virtual representation of a pause that we all desperately need. A reminder that it's okay to take a deep breath (and a deep break) from all of the cringe- and cry-worthy things so we can show up to them again. And raise our voices and talk and post about them again. Taking a break (or posting a photo of our feet or our coffee or our face) doesn't mean that we care less or are no longer "good," conscious people or that we're banned from ever being social justice advocates or activists ever again. It means we are human. That we can't always take in everything that the world and the news and our newsfeeds throw at us. That we need to focus our attention on something like Instagram or Buzzfeed quizzes or Gilmore Girls to give ourselves a break.

And yet. It's not fair that some of us get to take a break, when so many humans have literally been running for refuge for days and months and, for some, years; or to take a photo of our feet, when so many of those humans' feet are tired and heavy and sore; or to take a moment to welcome fall outside our homes, when so many humans have not yet found a welcome place to call home. It's not fair, and that's shitty, and that makes me want to cringe and cry some more. But that's the reality of this messy world. And so we do what we can to try to cultivate a life where we're able to show up to the realities of the world as much as we can. Even if that means a photo of our feet.

It happened as I walked across the street to my apartment. I had just been driving in my car from a lunch date with a good friend. I was stuck in unexpected traffic and crabby, and so I (naturally) started replaying the images and articles that I'd come across on the news and in my newsfeed over the last 48 hours. I finally parked my car after 30 minutes of existential crisis. I felt physically exhausted, and I was still supposed to meet someone to go on a run (my first in at least two months) in twenty minutes. I needed a pause. As I walked across the street toward my apartment and stepped onto the curb, I looked down -- and found these leaves.

These leaves caused me -- for the briefest moment -- to see the light at the end of the tunnel as actual light and not a train of impending doom. These leaves reminded me that there are snippets of love and real light in the midst of the cringes and cries that show up on Facebook and CNN. These leaves reminded me to pause and think about all of those who cannot pause, who cannot rest, who cannot find welcome. To whisper a tiny little prayer for them, and for the world, that we may act and speak and care and love others.

To whisper a tiny little prayer for me, for us, that we may care for and love ourselves in the midst of that, too.

for good.

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

We needed a song for the 9th grade talent show. 

Someone — maybe her, maybe our choir director, maybe one of our many musical theatre-obsessed friends — recommended a duet from a popular musical that would be just perfect for an alto and a soprano: “What is This Feeling” from Wicked. We didn’t know the tune but quickly fell in love with it: how it played up our personalities (me, the naive goody-two-shoes; she, a bit more sassy), our cheesy choreography (lots of grapevining toward each other and pointing at each other), and the perfectly timed “Boo!” and “Aah!” at the end. We practiced in my bedroom and decorated green and pink t-shirts with our names on the back, like our own kind of theatre jerseys, and performed for the rest of the choir during 3rd period. “Loathing” became our song, and we called it that even though we knew it wasn’t the title. Our non-theatre friends would ask us to perform it in their basements on Friday nights; if they didn’t ask, we’d make them listen to us anyway. 

I stared down at the empty stage, bouncing my legs up and down like I always do.

I sat on stage right, high up in the balcony, nestled between two of my best theatre (and real-life) friends. It was my first time in New York City, my first time to a Broadway show, and my first time hearing the entirety of the Wicked soundtrack. The first note blared from the pit orchestra -- no peaceful musical overview of the show, no calm introduction to the night, just a straight shot into "No One Mourns the Wicked" -- followed by the next note and the next note, and I was in tears. There were no humans on the stage yet, no words spoken and no lyrics sung, but the chords were enough. I don’t remember if I had thought to pack Kleenex, or if someone handed me one after that first song, or if I just sniffled my way through the entire show, wiping my tears on the coat I had bought just for this senior year trip. I do remember turning to my right and grasping one of those best friend’s hands and holding on for dear, dear life until applauding like the high school girls we were when the song was over.

It was always 82 miles. It was always one hour.

Every other weekend during college, I drove north on Friday nights to spend the weekend with my boyfriend at the time. I threw my backpack (thebooks and pens and highlighters replaced with clothes and makeup and a hair straightener) in the backseat, lowered myself into the driver's seat, and grabbed a burned CD from the glove compartment given to me by that same best friend whose hand I grasped so tightly years before. As I merged onto I-94, I pressed play and listened to that same, blaring first note. That hour was almost the perfect amount of time to sing along to the entire soundtrack -- always skipping "A Sentimental Man," but replaying "As Long As You’re Mine" a few times -- before I arrived to my own, 20-year-old, a-bit-more-scholastic version of Fiyero. For that hour each weekend, and sometimes on the return trip, I paused the real world, full of papers and decisions and my own feelings, and belted out words about flying and being green and also being blonde, because when you’re driving alone you get to play both lead roles.

Some things were the same. Some things were different.

A few weekends ago, I took myself to see Wicked. I took the bus downtown instead of wandering through Times Square to get there. I sat center stage in the 2nd tier balcony instead of on stage right. I was alone, but that was okay: I brought my own wad of toilet paper from the bathroom stall just outside of Aisle 4. I still bounced my legs and got butterflies in my stomach as the lights went down. I mouthed the words to every song and laughed along at every joke and found new ones I missed. I spent intermission furiously typing most of these sentences in my iPhone’s Notes, recalling the 9th grade choreography and the senior year trip and the college year drives. I held my breath and then quickly exhaled as (spoiler alert!) Elphaba emerges from the trapdoor. I was one of the first in my balcony to pop up at the curtain call, fiercely clapping my hands and sneakily wiping my eyes. I took a selfie with the poster instead of a dramatic, posed photo in front of the billboard.

It’s amazing how this one little thing — two-and-a-half hours of words and lyrics composed in the late 90s, which was based on a book written in the mid 90s, which was based on a movie that premiered in the late 30s, which was based on a book that was published in 1900 — can show up so frequently and have such a strong hold on my life. It makes me wonder where else Elphaba, Glinda, and that first, blaring note have shown up for people. How have these songs, these characters, and this story shaped and accompanied and held people? Did Stephen Schwartz and Gregory Maguire and MGM Studios and L. Frank Baum know how their music and words would become permanent placeholders in so many lives?

How many other things like that — like songs and books and quotations and even other humans — show up for us?

I wanted to call this essay anything other than For Good. I mean, really — I can’t think of something more creative than the most popular (and semi-cheesy and sentimental) song title of the musical about which I’m writing? But the answer is no, I can’t. Because cheesy or not, these vignettes of my life over the past ten years — involving friendships that have lasted over distance, other relationships that haven’t, and reminders of music’s powerful ability to reach you no matter where you are — have all had a common note: Wicked. Elphaba and Glinda. That first, blaring note is what has shown up for me. I’m sure I could have found another musical, or a song or a book or a human, that has been a similar throughline in my life.

But maybe it’s true, what they sing in “For Good.” That people — and musicals and songs and books — come into our lives for a reason. My duet partner and my Elphaba, Sara. My best friend and my hand-grasper, Catherine. My then-boyfriend and my then-Fiyero. That they bring us something we must learn, even if we don’t recognize the importance of it until years later. How friendships can last across time and distance. How performing will always be part of who you are, even though now it looks a bit different from when you were 14. How it’s okay to take up space and be in the spotlight instead of the ensemble, and how everyone really does deserve that chance to fly. And how we’re led — drawn or pulled, even — to those people and things, those experiences and moments, that help us to grow — into how to be a friend, how to be a girlfriend, how to be a human.

I think I do believe that’s true. I don’t think I would have written this if I didn’t believe that, somehow, the things that show up in our lives are meant to be there. That we are who we are because of them, because of how they have shown up — once or twice or repeatedly, quietly or loudly or sometimes annoyingly — in our lives. That these things know us as much as we know them. And that (and here it comes, the real cheesy kicker you have been waiting for since you read the title of this essay) they have changed us…

For good.

Wicked in NYC, 2009 & Wicked in PDX, 2015